Cobb Salad with Tofu “Bacon”

We have a weird door in our house that opens by pulling the handle up instead of down.  I have no idea why this was done, but it was that way when we bought the house and since it basically leads to a little used storage room, it’s not a big deal.  Until it is.

Several years ago, I went into the room to either put or take something that I probably should have thrown out long ago. Since I hadn’t been in there for so long, I never gave a thought to how the door worked.  Yes, I know, I had to pull it up to get in, but that did not register at all in my brain.  I was probably busy thinking of something super important like what I was going to eat for lunch, or what color polish I should choose for my pedicure.  Once in the room, I started looking at some of the other stuff that was in there, basically trying to remember why I had thought I need to store it in the first place.  I am still trying to remember.  I mean, when did I think I was ever going to use a 20 year old green tablecloth that was completely the wrong size for my table?  t’s not like it was a family heirloom; in fact, knowing me, I feel confident in saying I probably bought it on sale after the holidays at an outlet store. It’s not like it was the Shroud of Turin.

Eventually, I decided I’d had enough of strolling down memory (loss) lane and decided to leave the room.

I pushed the handle down and to my horror it wouldn’t move.  I tried again.  And again.  But the handle wouldn’t budge. I tried pushing quickly.  I tried pushing slowly.  I tried both hand.  I tried both hands and one foot.  I tried taking a running start.  Nothing worked.   I had somehow locked myself in!  Naturally, I went to defcon 10 on the panic scale.

Tim was away on a business trip, I didn’t have my cell phone with me.  I was in a small, rarely used room in the basement. I had no plans to see anyone or go anywhere for at least the rest of the day. This was how I was going to die, and the worst part of it was that once I was discovered missing, no one would ever think of looking in this room until there was a really bad smell and some curiously shiny green flies zipping around.

I started looking around for something I could use to smash the handle or the door or the wall, but sadly, the green tablecloth was the most lethal weapon to be found.  Even McGyver couldn’t do anything with that.  I mean if I had some dental floss and a pair of chopsticks, then maybe I could gain my freedom, but a green tablecloth and a box of old photos?  I was doomed.

And the worst part of it was, we didn’t have the dog yet, so I couldn’t even depend on her to have a “Lassie, Timmy fell down the well” moment and come to my rescue.  I was going to die alone.  Sob.

As I slowly resigned myself to my fate, I felt like I should give it one more try. And that was when I remembered that I had a really weird door which opened by pulling up.

I don’t think I have been back in that room since.  At least not without propping open the door, taking my cell phone, leaving a trail of breadcrumbs and teaching the dog how to dial 911.

Ingredients:

• 1/2 lb. extra firm tofu
• 1 Tablespoon olive oil
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 3 Tablespoons liquid smoke
• I head romaine lettuce
• 3-4 radishes, sliced
• 6-8 grape tomatoes cut in half
• 1 avocado, chopped or sliced
• 1/2 cup broccoli sprouts
• 1/4 cup chopped red onion
• 1/2 cup chopped cucumber

Dressing:

• 1 Tablespoon finely diced shallots (optional)
• 1 teaspoon dried oregano or 1 Tablespoon fresh oregano, finely chopped
• 2 Tablespoons red wine vinegar
• 1/4 cup olive oil
• 2 teaspoon dijon mustard

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 400.
2. Pulse the tofu in a processor till it resembles crumbles.  Put it in a bowl and add the olive oil, salt and liquid smoke.  Stir well to combine the ingredients, then turn out onto a lined baking sheet and bake for 30-35 minutes, stirring halfway through.  Remove from oven and allow to cool.
3. Meanwhile, prepare the salad: wash and cut the romaine into bite-sized pieces and put them into a bowl. Add the radishes, tomatoes, avocado, red onion, cucumber and broccoli sprouts.  I like to lay them on top in rows, but feel free to mix them all up in the bowl!
4. When the bacon cools, add it to the salad.
5. Meanwhile, to make the dressing, combine all ingredients in a small jar with a tight lid, or you can emulsify them in a small blender if you prefer. Pour the dressing over the salad and serve.

Enjoy!