“Crab”cakes

Crabcakes are a great idea when you are having people over. They can be made ahead of time, put in the fridge, then cooked at the last minute and delivered to the table piping hot.

You know what’s a bad idea? Having Tim power wash the back deck before having people over.

One of our favorite movies is A Christmas Story. Probably most people can quote the famous “You’ll shoot your eye out.” line from when Ralphie asks for a Red Rider BB gun for Christmas.

We now have a different version. Ours goes, “You’ll shoot your toe off.” So can you see where this story is going?

It all started out innocently enough. Our power washer had broken, so off Tim went to Home Depot to get one with “more power” because the dirt we have is apparently a super dirt that cannot be gotten rid of short of using a fire hose and dynamite. Mistake number one.

Since it was a hot day, and LOTS of water was involved, he decided he didn’t need to wear shoes. At no time did it occur to him to even glance at the directions which warned of dire consequences should you fail to protect your feet, and basically told you that you probably shouldn’t be allowed to operate so much as a hammer if you couldn’t figure that one out for yourself. Mistake number two.

Letting Tim operate (any) machinery. Mistake number three. Enough said.

Now at this point, the quaint Christmas story becomes like watching ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’. It is obvious to everyone except the next victim that they shouldn’t open the door/look in the closet/ go outside to see what that noise is. They should RUN! Abort the mission! Cease and desist! Or, failing that, kiss their butt (or toe) goodbye.

One poorly aimed shot, and the little piggy that had none was blasted into oblivion. Right down to the bone, blood everywhere, lots of cursing. Bad, bad idea.

Anyone want to buy a power washer? I know where there is one for sale that has barely been used.

Ingredients:

1 can jackfruit
2 scallions ( green onions)
1/4 cup finely diced red pepper
1 Tablespoons lemon juice
2 Tablespoons vegan mayo
1/4 cup breadcrumbs
1/2 teaspoon Old Bay
3/4 teaspoon garlic powder
3/4 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
3/4 teaspoon brown mustard
salt and pepper as needed

Directions:

Drain and rinse the jackfruit. It needs to be rinsed really well as it is a bit salty and sticky. You almost cannot over rinse it. Shred the jackfruit into tiny pieces, discarding any really tough, “woody” pieces. I personally use gloves (the kind they use in the hospital) so that my hands don’t get all sticky.
In a large bowl, combine all ingredients, and mix really well. Form patties ( makes about 5 – 6 depending on how large you make them) and place on baking sheet. Don’t be afraid to really squeeze the patties together tightly and gently flatten. Refrigerate the patties for at least 1/2 hour before cooking. DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP! The patties will fall apart if you don’t let them rest in the fridge before cooking.