Traditional Coleslaw

I have always hated taking pills of any kind and vitamins are the worst. I do not understand why all vitamins have to be the size of horse pills. You would think with all of our modern technology, we could figure out how to make vitamins human-sized. It would literally be easier to swallow the microchip with all the information containing the formulas for the vitamins than the vitamin itself.

Case in point: Recently, I tried to take my vitamin and it got stuck in my throat.

Alarmed by the violent coughing that was coming from the other room, Tim rushed in and asked if I was okay. Logically, I knew that if I could breath/cough, I wasn’t actually choking to death, but having something the size of the Eiffel Tower stuck in your throat does not lend itself to logical thinking. So, while I tried to pantomime “vitamin struck in throat” to him, my mind went on it’s own exciting little journey into panic town.

“I’m going to die, right here…this is it….the end…goodbye cold, cruel world, you won’t have me to kick around anymore…wait, does anyone know how to prepare Chloe’s meals or when she needs her heart worm pill or flea medicine? I think I have a check-up at the dentist next week…should I use sign language to communicate this to Tim? Do I have stuff at the cleaners? I shouldn’t have saved that last brownie for tomorrow…I should have eaten it today. Why did I wait???

Deciding not to wait for an actual answer, Tim decided to try and give me the Heimlich maneuver. The only problem was, I wasn’t actually choking. “Do you want me to call an ambulance?” he shouted. “I’ll get the keys and drive you to the hospital. Let’s go.”

Finally, I managed to gasp out enough words to assure him I wasn’t going to head towards the light anytime soon, so we started googling ways to unstick things stuck in your throat. (FYI if you do decide to get something stuck in your throat, I strongly advise against it being a vitamin as they don’t melt for like 3 1/2 months). I ate bread,(slid right down past the vitamin without even stopping to say hello) drank 4 gallons of water while lying on my back ( wet floor, wet hair, wet clothes, no vitamin removal though), I coughed, this time on purpose (sore chest muscles and an unexpected ab workout), tried yoga inversions, dance moves, a dismount from the balance beam and the Karate Kid one legged kick. Nothing.

Finally, just as I was resigning myself that Fred (I decided to name him since he was apparently going to be my companion for awhile) was sticking around (pun intended), I gave a little, tiny baby cough and up he came.

I have now switched to Flintstone Chewables.

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